Heart Ship! Log Entry 38

Heart Ship! the quest for forbidden love.

With the lightning crashing down all around me, the lights light up the wreckage that once was my pride and joy. Every flash holding a dark grim picture of holes cracks and broken banisters. A mast lay broken with the sails torn to shreds, just like myself. Tears welling up at the sight of defeat I grip tighter the wheel till my hands turn a pale white.

How could one take 6 years of a life, like that? Who would return to a man who she tried to run away from for so long? I have seen it all now. I crossed the seven seas and the eight has become my last.

All I could do was watch her from a distance left with nothing but the clothes I wore. While the wood of the deck beneath me crumbled. Holding on to the last piece standing upright as the waves raged down on us. The darkest day is here and I am going down with the ship. It is a matter of time now before realisation kicks in. Betrayed and deceived for months. And I did not even know it. Lighting up the hatred for those who cheat, while the body freezes in the rain and roaring waves. Tears washed away. My scars that run deeper than skin, burning with the salt inside.

Nobody should go through this; none would understand the devastation a lie could make. As the final piece beneath me brakes in half, making, what once was my heart sink. The Yellow rose is no more and it is the sea of sorrow and loneliness that swallowed me whole. Darkness surrounding me as cold numbs the body and senses. The last light of the lightning slowly disappearing at the surface, as I sink deeper into the abyss. Six years lasted this journey and it became the journey to a forbidden love. It may never should have been but it was. And now slowly like the warmth so do the memories slowly fade away leaving me with tears of a life lost.

My future is uncertain. And it may take a while before I crawl back from the bottom of the ocean and maybe one day feel the sun warm my skin again. Rest assured that while I overcome the ordeal of getting solid footing underneath me, I be smiling from the bottom of a cold world. Knowing it can only get better.

This is the End of a six year journey, a heart ship. It is known now as the quest for forbidden love. Thank you for reading. The wooden heart for now still undergoing repairs as nails are still sticking out and cracks need to be closed. All the while it is drying and rotting from all the water it absorbed. Washed up on a beach I wonder and write you this story, maybe one day, maybe someday I will set out to sail again.

The end

©Ranting Crow2014

It will be quiet for a couple of Saturdays before picking up another story. It had a hard time remembering all these moments, though some good days have been there in abundance i cannot help feeling betrayed. Would I do it again? I would do it again in an instant if my heart told me to. It is life as I know it, it can kick like a mule and hit you with a brick wall, but one has to follow their hearts and come back stronger. Have a wonderful weekend.

Best Wishes
Ranting Crow

Heart Ship! Log Entry 37

Click for wallpaper size.

Heart Ship! The quest for forbidden love.

Back at sea away from all the hatred we both got out and away. Some desperately needed time alone on the calm waters. Watching the stars shine down on us and see the flashing of a distant light house. Talking for days and nights on end finding out what was going on between us.

That is when the foam on the waves started to get thicker as the water crawled up higher before splashing down. Soon the night gotten darker and every hour lasted a day, a week. The ship was taking a beating of worldly proportions. Our dream escape turned into a nightmare. And if that was not enough another ship entered the waters.

It was a battle for the heart of the princess. One that lasted almost a year before someone had gave up or lost. But what can one man do against so many. Hold his ship steady taking on the waves, while drifting through the storm, without a lighthouse in sight, keeping the heart at float. Not a song sang to guide me home. When the stars were hidden from sight by the ominous black clouds as the thunder is rolling over them. Creating bright blue and white flashes of lightning that crawl underneath from cloud to cloud.

I drifted for months waiting to get back to port, wanting to go back to my home. The time separated was filled with fights and storms. Every bit of passion has seeped away through our fingers and time. Years of work shot down by the other ship, sabotaged by the princess. She was staying away or just wanting time with others. I was left to the side lines; she was fighting her own fight and not wanting my help anymore. Left in the dark I could not see the storms and salt water eating away the wood and making shiny metal rust and corrode till there is nothing left. Lie after lie was uncovered and with each reveal she stuck a blade into the heard, chipping away another splinter.

I stood there at the helm, steering my way across the ocean without any land in sight. Blinded by the salt water, rain and winds that sheered past my face. I needed to keep it together, stand tall and keep it steady. But the pains were eminent and the aches made sure I hunched over and used all my strength to hold onto my sanity. The last line to keep me upright, thinking this through and make sure I was not having him getting me down, surely not shoot me down. So I drifted across the waters. I was just fighting of the storms by steering into the waves, staying afloat and watching the ship being torn down inch by inch, with no place to go back to.

The Yellow Rose was breaking apart. Little by little the love was broken to pieces making water. Without the mast broken like its captain no port would ever be reached. I held on to the wheel, just hoping that somehow I would not be lost forever at sea.

©Ranting Crow2014

Those were some dark days and they will always remain. Life has some great moments and then there are those who make living stop in its tracks. You just become numbed and unsure of the direction you were taking. Next week is the last part of this story and than maybe it be quiet for a while on the Saturday. I am not sure yet as the feelings from the past numb me even now.

Best Wishes
Ranting Crow

Heart Ship! Log Entry 36

Heart Ship! The quest for forbidden love.

As the storms raged on we tried to find ways to make our life worth wild. Minutes spend out of the wind to rekindle our heated passions. New ways to light up our intimacy, with a little help of adrenaline rushes and walks on the wild side. We were making the most of our days by being away from the man with the wedge.

How could one have been so blind, of how could I have not seen it coming? When doubt strikes you down it usually is too late and blinding you even more, sometimes with jealousy. One of the most feared as it always causes fights. As our days were filled with heated passion our minds were never set to talk. I did not know what was going on in the days or hours I was away. She did not tell me he was visiting and throwing salt in her wounds.

Getting the flames underneath the relationship burn higher and hotter. He was still even now manipulating her, controlling her with the only means he knew. Fear. It was what he used before and she had escaped and it is what he is using once again to ruin her life as she knew it. The ship was rocking and squeaking on the high waves. As the storms were blowing our way, it was making it harder for us to find a breather on certain days.

But when we did it was heaven. Watching a setting sun from a beach or climbing up the hills and watch a sky filled with stars. Letting go our emotions in a passionate frenzy, with a rare occasion we had talked for hours on end. It is one of those nights that taught me what he was doing. Hearing the tremble in her voice when she explained he was always across the street, watching her. Giving her and her friends the creeps. And when asking help the only answer you are getting is that they cannot do anything unless there is some injury involved.

He was making it impossible for her to relax whenever she had to go out. It was on one holiday I ended up in a holding cell for a day after a fight with him. Though our days together were great, as we managed to dodge him and have some fun. The distant between my princess and me was only growing to a point we had great sex but little connection.

The battle was lost and the ship was making water. Storm were busting it up, breaking the mast making it harder to gain some momentum and it wasn’t before long it all came to stand still. With visiting a dry dock in the future for the repairs and time apart. We tried to fix it, but soon as I again hit the water; it became clear the wood was beyond repair. Water and the low temperature split the cracks even further. Splinters were breaking of and the pounded in nails hurt like hell.

©Ranting Crow2014

There is 2 more I think before the candle is blown out of this story. It aches even today after so long, I can still feel the stings of salt in the wounds.

Best wishes
Ranting Crow

Heart Ship! Log Entry 35

Heart Ship! The quest for forbidden love.

Was I wrong to work more since that day, to maybe staying away from home. Everything was going so much better. Drinking no longer was a real issue unlike the occasional party killer. Face to face communication was coming down to a minimum as jobs started changing hours. I know it was not what we signed up for but night hours became more frequent. Same as the longer days. I was just happy that you had friends to keep an eye on you.

Though it never got better. I may have been wrong in setting on this journey. But the pleasures along the way have made me smile and happy. She was my quest. The trial and errors a part of life. Our ups and downs like that of the waves of an ocean. Lots of flat water with clear nights in our hearts and minds, while dancing in the rain making love soaking wet in the park. Did we loose our mind exploring the shadows. No we made and had fun. Making every day special and different. And yet we could not foresee the storms. The painstaking lightning that struck hard and fast into the heart. The thunder echoing across many months after, killing us slowly. The storms only begun and already we felt the harmony of our beat slow down to nothing than an occasional thud. The light of her presence dimming to a single flame of a dying candle.

We knew, we tried. And so we decided to take some space. Only to let the storms free and rage on. Every time together we ended up having words. Time after time I felt the waves slam against the wood that in return shrieked in agony.

I will not give up so easy. If it is anything I done I can make it right. What happened between us? But nothing and nobody could answer that question. Nothing really happened except for a nasty man and his dogs of war. Who kept the door ajar or always had themselves wedged in our life. Surely we could over come an ass like that. Is he the true distortion of it all.

Refrained myself from doing harm, even thought the ideas were there in small details. It was me and this tiny ship against a fleet of battle ships. All trained and out to get me. The fight continued after he was defeated. Not a single moment was wasted from his side to continue making life hell. Out for revenge. Writing this I know he got his revenge, he won the final battle. But not because I gave up.

The final battles were only just getting started. Away from home, living a working mans life. Coming home to a smile or tear. The weekends the only time we talked and were able to create smiles, but hardly ever alone. Life is changing and my heart had a hard time keeping up. Winds went from breeze to storm ripping me apart one day at a time.

©Ranting Crow2014

There is always a feeling of shame and sadness every time I write my part of the ‘Heart Ship’. Blaming your own intuition as being faulty and not finding out sooner. And even blaming love for the blinding of the eyes. A pathetic miserable pile of a man trying to climb back out of the deep end.

Best Wishes
Ranting Crow

Heart Ship! Log Entry 34

Flying Dutchman Phantom by George Grie. At Neosurrealismart.com

Heart Ship! The quest for forbidden love.

As the calm of the ocean had me afloat, I started thinking. Remembering the good times we shared under that tree in secrecy. Hiding our letter and communications. Our dance moves close to each other as the stars looked down on us. But my chest did not sooth as much as I would have thought. As if something was missing or wrong ever since that day. The struggles of the liquor or even the words we spoke.

Sure we managed and here I am now thinking of her and it feels wonderful to have someone at home waiting. So why did I not stop thinking. Instead of trying for some rest in my quarters was I leaning over the rail reflecting of the azure blue waters. Seeing the clouds drift across the surface waving thanks to a gentle wind. One moment I am anxious afraid to loose her, and the other moment I was hap to have her, knowing she was there for me.

Times spent at home settled an uneasy heart, but the damaged was done. If only I paid attention to it. Seen the tiny cracks that were breaking me and the ship apart. Pink glasses, pink elephants and ponies every where I looked. Her voice was just the calm I needed. Bringing me to a trance son as I got home. Like child enchanted by the words. Intoxicated by her smell and obsessed with her looks.

It was the days spend away from home that had me reflecting. Letting this brain think till it crunched and hurt. Weekends away spend with just the two of us. And through out the week guarding the door and windows. I was used to long hours, never did I sleep much unless in her arms. And I couldn’t be any more not after that one day he showed up and forced his way in.

A fight in a hallway with glass breaking and blood was flowing. Protecting her with my life. But the day is calm as I roam the sea and watch gulls swirl around the ship. I am already getting closer to home, port in sight another days work finished. The sky being set on fire as I tie it all down for the night. The walk with pleasant thoughts and accompanied by a smile and a hum. Turning the key and open the door, only to find a home empty again not a note has been left.

You had to be kidding me, I may have thought it was the floor that creaked underneath me, but the piercing pain was felt closer to the chest. It was another crack of the heart the wood snapping of the Yellow Rose. My love for her was sinking slowly. A leak had sprung an not to be found for some time. Aches, thoughts they were all there, but I hoped. Prayed. Wished it was all to be just my imagination. To close the door behind me and crawl back to the ship to drift some more on the open ocean under wicked sky and dwell into the night on thoughts of what could have been. My journey, my life.

©Ranting Crow2014

As said before, it was the start of conflict. Within myself as well as in our surroundings. Do not get me wrong as time passes by it was all misery. It does not take the fact away there was friction in the relationship. Hope you enjoyed the read this week and the love life that once was mine. Even today when writing I wonder if I have done wrong or if maybe I could have seen it coming sooner.

Best Wishes
Ranting Crow